| |
Insights from Pain Journal
1997 - 2007
|
|
 |
Facing Pain
|
|
|
Healing, is an extremely personal journey. Wrestling with pain, I know that there are times when
I am open to new ideas and times when I just can't input anymore ... times
when distance, solitude and a way to escape are the most important things
for today.
So, I offer this information, when the time is right, as "mental vitamins"
for healing. These are the insights into my process of getting well and
if they bring one ray of light to one person who feels lost today, this
effort is worthwhile.
I also know I don't have all the pieces to the puzzle. Some things I write
may offer hope, some may make some people angry, some may not mean anything
right now. My intention is to be honest and tell my story. I openly invite
your ideas and feedback; all of which, help me on the way to zero.
Turning Point: 2001
Robin William's character in the movie,'Moscow on the Hudson', explains to his
friend one night: "When I was in Russia, I did not love my life ... but
I loved my misery. Do you know why? ... because it was MY misery ... I could
hold it, I could caress it. I loved my misery."
Now, Misery
... the time has come for us to part. I have discovered that I am not you
... I am not my pain ... I am not my suffering. Although you have turned
my life upside down and the decisions I make everyday have a lot to do with
you ...
Although my body has had to throw up food because it didn't have the strength
to digest it AND to keep breathing, I want you to know this,
Misery ... I now keep a part of myself separate from you. I keep a part
of myself sacred. You cannot have all of me ... anymore.
Love my misery? ... Even if I have loved the small part of you that taught
me to consider myself first in the world ... the time has come, Misery,
for you and I to part.
This realization came after a visit to Dr. McDonald, where marcaine injections
had allowed me to reclaim the smallest piece of myself. I knew that this
toe-hold, was a key to quieting the nerves down ... I knew that we now had
a tool to talk to them ... I now knew how to get their attention, instead
of them always getting mine.
©
Sterling, 2007 |
|
|
