Family Issues
Chronic Pain and Parenting
By: Kathy Church, MSW
Parenting is hard, but parenting while you’re living with chronic pain is really, really hard. Parenting requires us to draw the focus away from ourselves and toward the children who need us. Children who have a parent with chronic pain may not understand what’s happening and may feel insecure about the future. Rather than allowing children to come to their own conclusions, it is important you have an open discussion with your children about your pain. Honest communication is key but can be difficult. You need to balance giving children information about your health without overwhelming them. Below are some tips about how to communicate about your condition with children of all ages:
If your child is very young (toddler or preschool age), just share the essential details. Use words the child can understand, such as “owwie” or “boo-boo.” Most importantly, let them know that your pain is not their fault and that they cannot “catch” your pain. Children at this age often believe that if they think something, then it will come true. It is important to tell your child that even if he or she is angry at you, nothing they do or think can ever cause you to have more pain. Clearly state that they are not responsible for your condition. Assure them that they will always be taken care of.
When talking to children in this age group, it is important to explain how the family’s routines and schedules will be affected by your condition. They may want to know who is going to drive them to their activities, clean their clothes or cook their meals. School-aged children benefit from a parents’ honesty when things are uncertain. They are concrete-thinkers and often see things in terms of “black and white.” If you tell your child that you will feel better by tomorrow and you do not, the child may feel he or she has been lied to. If you are unsure of how you will feel or what will happen later, it is much better to admit your uncertainty than to supply a concrete answer that may not be realistic.
Older children have a much better understanding of the human body. They are ready for detailed explanations and will benefit from having their questions answered as completely and honestly as possible. Let them know that it’s okay to ask any questions they might have. Adolescents also appreciate being told what is expected of them. Although teenagers are much more able to understand your condition, adolescence is often a time of turmoil and your child may need extra help in dealing with family problems. Family therapy may be an option to help you and your child cope.
Life isn’t easy when a parent isn’t as available as a child would like. But children who grow up with a parent in pain can develop a sense of empathy that their peers do not possess. If handled with openness and honesty, children can benefit from living with a parent’s pain and go on to become caring and sensitive adults. Don’t forget to share your “good days” with your child as well. Spending time together participating in activities or accomplishing tasks will give kids the confidence to survive your “bad days.”
It also is important that you stay vigilant about changes in your child’s behavior and mood. For example, if your normally outgoing child suddenly becomes withdrawn, she or he may need some counseling. Other causes for concern include sleep problems, increased or decreased appetite and poor academic performance. If you choose to seek counseling for your children, it’s important to find a counselor who is trained to work with children and families. Visit The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy or the National Association of Social Workers for more information.
As a person with chronic pain, parenting is my most difficult challenge. I love my daughter and want only the best for her but I often find myself responding irritably. My pain makes me grumpy. For this reason it’s especially important that we tell our children how much we love them. We also must be honest with our children and talk about what is happening. Let them know what to expect in the near future. Give them permission to ask questions and provide answers as honestly as possible. Remain conscious of the help you ask of your child but don’t turn your child into your caregiver! Pay attention to what’s going on with them, both at home and at school. Don’t make any promises you can’t keep. And if, despite your best efforts, your children are experiencing behavioral problems, seek professional counseling immediately.
Rosenfeld, Arthur. The Truth About Chronic Pain: Patients and Professionals on How to Face It, Understand It, Overcome It. New York: Basic Books, 2003.
Silver, Julie K. Chronic Pain and the Family. Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 2004.
Young Children
If your child is very young (toddler or preschool age), just share the essential details. Use words the child can understand, such as “owwie” or “boo-boo.” Most importantly, let them know that your pain is not their fault and that they cannot “catch” your pain. Children at this age often believe that if they think something, then it will come true. It is important to tell your child that even if he or she is angry at you, nothing they do or think can ever cause you to have more pain. Clearly state that they are not responsible for your condition. Assure them that they will always be taken care of.
School-Aged Children
When talking to children in this age group, it is important to explain how the family’s routines and schedules will be affected by your condition. They may want to know who is going to drive them to their activities, clean their clothes or cook their meals. School-aged children benefit from a parents’ honesty when things are uncertain. They are concrete-thinkers and often see things in terms of “black and white.” If you tell your child that you will feel better by tomorrow and you do not, the child may feel he or she has been lied to. If you are unsure of how you will feel or what will happen later, it is much better to admit your uncertainty than to supply a concrete answer that may not be realistic.
Adolescent Children
Older children have a much better understanding of the human body. They are ready for detailed explanations and will benefit from having their questions answered as completely and honestly as possible. Let them know that it’s okay to ask any questions they might have. Adolescents also appreciate being told what is expected of them. Although teenagers are much more able to understand your condition, adolescence is often a time of turmoil and your child may need extra help in dealing with family problems. Family therapy may be an option to help you and your child cope.
Life isn’t easy when a parent isn’t as available as a child would like. But children who grow up with a parent in pain can develop a sense of empathy that their peers do not possess. If handled with openness and honesty, children can benefit from living with a parent’s pain and go on to become caring and sensitive adults. Don’t forget to share your “good days” with your child as well. Spending time together participating in activities or accomplishing tasks will give kids the confidence to survive your “bad days.”
It also is important that you stay vigilant about changes in your child’s behavior and mood. For example, if your normally outgoing child suddenly becomes withdrawn, she or he may need some counseling. Other causes for concern include sleep problems, increased or decreased appetite and poor academic performance. If you choose to seek counseling for your children, it’s important to find a counselor who is trained to work with children and families. Visit The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy or the National Association of Social Workers for more information.
As a person with chronic pain, parenting is my most difficult challenge. I love my daughter and want only the best for her but I often find myself responding irritably. My pain makes me grumpy. For this reason it’s especially important that we tell our children how much we love them. We also must be honest with our children and talk about what is happening. Let them know what to expect in the near future. Give them permission to ask questions and provide answers as honestly as possible. Remain conscious of the help you ask of your child but don’t turn your child into your caregiver! Pay attention to what’s going on with them, both at home and at school. Don’t make any promises you can’t keep. And if, despite your best efforts, your children are experiencing behavioral problems, seek professional counseling immediately.
Sources
Rosenfeld, Arthur. The Truth About Chronic Pain: Patients and Professionals on How to Face It, Understand It, Overcome It. New York: Basic Books, 2003.
Silver, Julie K. Chronic Pain and the Family. Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 2004.